This is the first time in years I have put my opinions and thoughts out on the internet. Well besides the full blown obsession we all have with Facebook. I haven't let strangers read my thoughts and opinions since the days I had a livejournal in high school. I have been dwelling on this idea of just creating a blog just to put my thoughts down. Instead of sitting on them and letting them eat away at me. I use to keep a journal when I was a kid because I had so many thoughts running through my head that it was the only way I was able to sort them out and get focused. I like most people my age are confused. Not only with ourselves but with where our lives are headed, the need to settle down and have a family, and the age old question do I really love the person I am (or were with), are they the one I want to spend my life with or am I just settling. These are all thoughts I have on a daily basis. So through this blog,though it might not be the most well written, or easy to understand, it's my testamate to all of you, through the good and the bad. Welcome to my world.
So my life. Wow where do I even begin. I can't really. To do that I would have to go back almost 20 years to when my whole life as I knew it was shaken and I as I knew myself started to change and not for the good. But to understand how I think and function you will have to know every thing about me. This blog is going to be honest and brutally so. I am not going to hide from my flaws or the mistakes I have made nor do I want anyone ever to. To understand yourself you must first really be honest with yourself. I am not here for you to judge me but I know by putting my life out on display I will get people that will judge me for my past mistakes and for the future ones I know I will make. But know that you may judge me but you won't hurt me and maybe you should be honest with yourself about your life like I am doing. I feel the people that bash other people are just unhappy with themselves and thrive off the pain of others because they find it to difficult to look at themselves.
*Side note this blog is going to be a long one so bare with me as I give you all my background if you need to take a break please do so. :) *
So like I said we need to go back about 20 years. 20 years I can't believe it has been this long or I am this old. 20 years ago I was 5 and living in Northern California. I was a happy child extremely happy. I had the love of my only sister at the time, my mother, grandmother, aunt and grandfather and all of the close family and friends we had. I was a loved child and hate when people say to me you must have had a messed up childhood after they year my story, because no I didn't have a sad childhood I had bad things happen to me but my childhood was a good one and I don't remember ever being unhappy. But people tend to remember the good things and block out the bad. If only I was talented in that.
Nothing happened when I was five honestly. Everything started when I was about 6 my grandfather moved to SW Washington to go to the culinary school in Portland, Oregon because he had this dream of being a chef not matter how old he was he always went out and tried to make his dreams happen no matter if he failed or not he kept trying. Well we all stayed in California. I remember waking up one day after a full nights sleep and realizing my sister was not in our shared bed (we didn't like sleeping alone lol) I walked down the call to hear sobbing, I was confused and half asleep and saw all of these people without faces (I couldn't remember them) standing around my grandmother who was in a chair sobbing. I have never seen my grandmother cry that hard in my life. She is a strong full blooded Sicilian woman that never let anyone see her cry or see her as weak, so seeing this was a shock to me. I turned to my sister who was sitting on the floor in the corner crying. I asked her what was going on and she sobbed speaking in a softest voice I have ever heard her speak in say "papa is dead". I called her a liar and went up to my grandma and asked her if it was true if papa had died she took her hands and put them on my face pulled me in close and whispered "I am sorry" in between her slight whimpers.
I lost it at this point. My grandpa was my world. I loved him probably more than I loved my mother when I was a little kid. I don't remember the next week will well. I remember being at his funeral and my aunt holding my hand and use holding roses. This is where my world began to change. We moved into a different house. And about 6 months later my aunt mother and grandma decided that we were going to move to SW Washington to be closer to my Uncles who lived in the area. So we moved. I was sad to leave the rest of the family and friends we had up here but was excited to be closer to my uncles. We moved in with my Uncle Mike his wife and three boys. To say the least it was crowded because not only was it me but my aunt my mom my younger sister but my mother was pregnant with her third child my youngest sister. That first 9 months we lived there were pretty much hell lol. But it was fun in the same aspect. During those months my sister Ashley was born. The day she was born is a pretty funny one but we will share that story sometime later. I started a new school, My Aunt Gina fell in love. And I learned how to play football with my much older cousins lol.
So we are now going to jump to me being 7 1/2. My grandmother had made a new friend. She had a son that was 19 at the time. We went over to their house one night to play games and eat dinner. I remember my grandma asking me where my sister was. I said I would go find her. I started looking for my sister. I walked into a bedroom without knocking to find my sister Aleecia with my grandmothers friends son kissing. Remind you this guy was 19 and my sister Aleecia is 21 months younger than me and I was 7 1/2 years old. I was like what is going on and my sister begged me not to say anything and told me to stay. I not knowing what to do sat down and he asked if I wanted a kiss too I didn't say anything my sister said yes she does. So he kissed me and like most molested victims I never said anything because in a way I liked the attention I knew I shouldn't have liked it later on and that what he did was wrong and he should have known better than do to that to a 7 1/2 year old. The molesting only got worse and continued on until I was about 11 1/2. During this time I was myself no one knew that anything was going on.
At 12 I started to get depressed and withdrawn from everyone in my family. I started acting out and back talking worse than normal. I at 12 sat down with my mother, and told her what I was molested by my grandmothers friends son. You want to know what my mother did. NOTHING. Not a damn thing. Wait yes she did. She told me to keep my mouth shut. Want to know the reason. She told me to keep my mouth shut because that lady already had a son in jail and we didn't want to make her world come crumbling down by making another one end up in jail. This part of the story makes me pretty angry but please don't confuse my anger with hate. I don't hate my mother I have forgiven her but this always will still make me angry. So I did just that I kept my mouth shut. I ended up an angrier kid, confused and lost my grades started to take a nose dive my teachers were concerned I stopped being friends with the people I had been friends with since I was 8. So the school called my mom and told her I needed to see a counselor. I remember that first meeting they had her come to my school since they knew I was always going to go to school. I got called down to the principals office and and she was standing there. I basically told her to fuck off and leave me alone. But it wasn't so simple. They made me see her two times a week during my lunch and then my mom made me start seeing her once a week outside of school and then again for a family session. After that first year of 7th grade I started to become a bit better. My grades were improving I was making new friends and everything was going well.
Well during the first half of my 8th grade year my mom decided to move me and my sisters out to Camas which was no where near or our school and the friends we have known for about 8 years. I got angry again and started to withdraw from everyone around me. I hated my new school I hated the kids the kids didn't like me. I never really gave it a chance my grades started to slip. And then all together I stopped going to school and was home schooled. During this period of time my mother and me were in consistent battles. She had discovered the world of internet dating and started to completely ignore my sisters and I. I was responsible for making sure they did their homework and making dinner and making sure they were fed. My mom would come home from work and grab her dinner and head upstairs to her room to sit at the computer. It got to the point where we would physically fight. Well remember those family sessions we had with my counselor well we would try to tell her what was going on and my mom after the session would hit all of us for trying to talk to her. So we eventually stopped talking about her. She did however tell my counselor that I was beating her and they put me in a group home for a week. Wow that was an interesting week. I went home and not even a week later I was back in the group home and then from there my mother sent me to a foster home. Where I lived for a month. I can't say that month was bad because the later I lived with had a great family that treated all of her foster kids like family.
The day I was allowed to move home my mother came to get me with her new boyfriend that she had been dating for 2 weeks. This kid was 8 years older than I was. Yeah I found that a little disturbing lol. Well when we got back to my house I went to walk upstairs and saw all this stuff in the kitchen and asked what was going on. My mom told me that her new boyfriend was going to be living with us. I flipped out I couldn't believe my mother would let someone she has barely known two weeks to live with her three daughters after being through what I had been through in the past. I got angry and called my mom a "bitch" and sat on the stairs. Her boyfriend then came running up to me and told me that if I were to talk to my mother like that again he was going to "beat the shit out of me". I went off I told him that if he were to put his hands on me he would be going to jail. Things settled down and my mom said that she wanted to go rent a movie so we could talk alone. Well her boyfriend said he wanted to go and I decided to stay home while they all went. I called my grandmother and begged her to pick me up because I couldn't live there with them.
Well by the time my mom got home my grandma was at the house helping me pack all of my stuff. My mom was angry and my sisters were upset. My sisters never got over the fact that I left them. I know they felt abandoned because all the anger my mom had towards me was then unleashed on them not so much Ashley but Aleecia that is for sure. Well I moved in with my Aunt and Uncle and my Grandma. We lived there the whole summer. Towards the end of the summer my Aunt and Uncle sat me down and asked me if I wanted to live with them or if I wanted my Grandmother not to move to California and live with her. This is probably the first mistake I made. I told them I didn't want my grandmother to leave and I wanted her to get an apartment and we live there until I was done with school. Well my grandmother did just that she got an apartment and we moved in and I started my freshman year of high school.
High school wow. I made some good friends. I was severely depressed for most of it. I tried to kill myself when I was 17. I took a bunch of pills and my grandma found out and I had my stomach pumped I was stuck on endless amounts of meds that didn't work or help because I was diagnosed with the wrong disorder. I fought with my grandmother didn't go to school...I did homework but never turned it in. I was just confused and angry. I met my friends Amber and Rachael partying one night. These girls may have introduced me to things I didn't know but to this day are some of my best friends. And if I ever need them they would be there in a heartbeat. Well I left high school to party. I drank 6 nights a week and was only home sundays to do laundry and catch up on some sleep. Sometimes. I didn't do drugs I just drank. I was drinking away all the pain I was feeling it worked I didn't think about anything at all when I was drinking having good times with friends. I had a good time during those times. Well all my friends graduated I didn't I did however enroll in the local community college with my friends because my family told me I needed to be more responsible for my life. So I started college and was good at it. I however lost a couple of good friends thanks to an furious explosion on my behalf that embarrassed them more than I could ever imagine. I during this time still partied and started talking to a boy who would later end up becoming my husband. This I do not regret.
We now come to the falling fall of 2005. My future husband at the time got out of the military and came to live with my grandmother and I. He kept looking for work but couldn't find anything. We eventually sat down and he told me he wanted to rejoin the Army. I said fine we got married he signed up we were sent to Texas. Things were good. We found out he was going to be deploying in November that was tough but I knew I could get through it. We ended up having my sister Aleecia come to live with us because she was getting into trouble in California. He then left for Iraq probably the saddest day of my life. I was truly in love with him honestly I use to question whether I was truly in love with him and I was I was to scared to admit it and I was scared to admit that I was terrified with the intensity of love he gave me. I started to push him away while he was gone and that is where things got messy. I found him talking to other girls online and I call that cheating. So I lashed out and started to cheat on him. I went to his sisters wedding (I had never met anyone in his family before) by myself on the other side of the country. I found out when I was there he had lied about almost everything about him and when I called him out on it he said nothing. A cheater I can handle but I liar I cannot. He then came home for his R&R for our one year anniversary we were totally two different people and I wouldn't forgive him. I couldn't I was convinced that he didn't love me when in actuality he loved me more then he could say and I wouldn't hear it. After he went back to Iraq I told him I wanted to separate I then started dating other people. And did things I am not proud of. I then met my ex Jason. We had a troubled relationship to start we fought and got physical he told me it would never happen again. He lied. I was going to leave him in the Summer of 2008 but we found out I was pregnant and decided to give it another go even though we knew better. Well I found out he had been talking to other girls sexually online. And we use to fight while I was pregnant he would push and shove me and try to tackle me but I wouldn't leave. I don't know why I wouldn't leave it was like a drug.
Towards the end of my pregnancy I found out that he had been talking to a girl while I was in Washington visiting and having my baby shower. He promised me nothing had happened I believed him. Bad mistake. Well we had our daughter in the January 2009 and everything seemed to be good during the first few months. I then found out he had still been talking to this girl after I found out the first time. I told him that I wanted to move and that my grandmother was going to help me and he could either come with me or stay in Texas but I wasn't going to stay in Texas when I knew he was cheating on me. He called me crazy but agreed to move. He shouldn't have he never wanted to go he resented me everyday we were together living up here the mental and emotional and physical abuse only got worse. I couldn't hold a job because I didn't want to go to work with bruises on my face and because I was so severely depressed I didn't want to move from my bed. Not to mention my mother had lost her job and she started to act very strangely. So I went snooping in her room and found coke baggies and brought it up to her she said I was lying and she told my grandma and my sister that I was trying to destroy her life. So I became the evil one in the house until.
Feb 2010 when I was getting ready to go shopping with Jason because we got our tax return and I showed my mom the new carseats we had bought for Jo. I walked back into my bathroom and saw a baggie on the floor I was like this is odd because we (Jason and I) had just cleaned the whole house for my grandmother. I picked it up and it was one of the small ones someone uses for drugs and it had crystals in it. I walked into my mothers room and asked her what the fuck it was and she started screaming at me calling me a liar. Well I told her I would deal with this later and that I was keeping the baggie to show my grandma so she couldn't call me a liar ever again. Well Jason and I continued on with our day shopping for Jo and I got a call from my sister as soon as we were picking up Jo from daycare asking why I was intent on destroying everyone's life. She said that she thought the baggie was mine and Jasons and I told her that if she really thought that I would go down and buy three drug tests and have all three of us take one to prove that we weren't doing meth or any other drugs. She was pleased with that and she then called my mother and my mother told her she wouldn't like the results and hung up. I then got a call from my grandma a half an hour later asking me why I left the dogs out and left all the doors open I told her I didn't and mom was in the house after we left.
We later found out my mom told my sister that she was leaving and that she had to leave for a couple of days. My mother was now a meth addict and wouldn't get help. She is still in denial and pretends like everything is okay with her teeth falling out and her rapid 150lb weight drop and the sores all over her body. She told me one time that I just wasn't use to seeing her skinny that is why I thought she looked like shit. Mind you my mother has always been a big lady but my mother has never been ugly ever. My mother was pretty but these drugs made her look horrible. It made me cry. I haven't really talked or seen my mother in over a year I can count on my hand how many times I have seen her for more than 5 min. We don't talk we don't have any form of communication. She for all aspects has been purged of my life until she wants to get help. I think my sister Ashley blames me for mom leaving because she left afters Junior year and passed her off to my Aunt which was hard for her. Well the summer comes up and I find out for a fact that Jason had actually physically cheated on me while I was pregnant with the girl he was speaking to which he was still speaking to. We broke up. But we continued to live together. The straw that broke the camels back was one day he got off work drank and than came home and started fighting with me while our daughter was asleep in her room. He then attacked me and sat on my back and choked me until I almost passed out. I was able to eventually get away and block myself in my daughters room and he proceeded to try to kick in her door. He was calling me a horrible mother, (because our daughter was crying because I was crying and telling him to go away because he was kicking in her door) because I wouldn't go pick her up because I was blocking him coming in. He left for good that night. I then moved in to my own apartment. My grandmother moved in with my uncle because she retired. Jason then found out that plant he was working at was being shut down but they offered him a job at the plant in Texas Jason then moved back to Texas. My sister however moved in with me because she got into a fight with my uncle and he pushed her. I didn't want to take her in but did because she had no where else to go.
This is where things get a little muddled but I am not going to give you every detailed. My sister and I are to much alike we don't do well when living together since we really never had lived together. We would bicker and I would walk on eggshells so I wouldn't start a fight with her. I hated living on eggshells in my own house. We struggled with bills and money. This past two months it got worse she was becoming more and more defiant and rude. At the beginning of May her friend asked if she could move in until she graduated. I agreed because this girl had no where to go. This only made more stress on my household. My sister then accused me of stealing money from her. And there is one thing I don't do. I don't steal money from people. I never have and I never will. I got upset because I was being accused of something I didn't do . She was then convinced because I got upset with her that I was the one that took it. It was her friend. My stuff had gone missing and was being hidden in her stuff and I would find it. It was shit. My sister and I had a huge blow out where she jumped on my back and attacked me because I wouldn't give her her phone back that was in my name. I was trying to get her off of me and I hit her in the face. She then ran to my Aunt and told them I that beat her up. They believed her right away but that is besides the point. My relationship was ruined with my sister because of her own ego and her own issues with me and she let them fester in her until she exploded.
I have learned from this that you cannot let things eat you alive. If you feel wronged by someone you have to let them know right then and there not years down the line.
But this is where I am now. This is my life. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months because in all honesty we weren't a good match no matter what I want to try and pretend and say that we were. We weren't we come from two different backgrounds and deal with things completely differently and no matter how hard we would work on things our communication levels just never matched. I am a lover and I am not afraid to tell someone I love them when I do. He wasn't that way and I needed someone that could give that to me.
But this is the end of this blog. That is most of my life in a nutshell. I said most because there are so many other things in my life that have shaped me into who I am and think the way I do. But those stories will be saved when they have a direct link to something I am talking about. I hope this gives you some in site on me.
I hope you enjoy reading my blog it's going to be one full of ups and downs and discoveries not only with myself but me as a single mother. If you have questions just comment. If you have something negative to say say it if you must .
Oh and if you are wondering why I named my blog what I did. It's because Your life is like a picture you can capture that moment but you can't go back in time. You are full of these "pictures" of your life in your memories and no matter how many times you replay them in your head you won't be able to ever change it.
